Thinking....

So, I have been thinking. Alot actually. About alot of things, And I don't know anymore. I am lost and amazed that I would fall for the same thing again, even when I thought I had outgrown it all. But I guess not.. I got hurt, bad.. I lost someone I thought was the love of my life, and everyone keeps re-assuring me that I will find a new guy, a guy that is worth it. But I am done.

 I don't want to feel all that anymore. And then there pipes up a person, who is even younger, even more less compatible, and even less of a actuall boyfriend, who spends the majority of his free time talking to me, helping me, trying to convince me that everything is going to be allright.

And next week, I am going to meet him, and his friends for the first time. I am even going to sleep over at his place.. But i am scared, scared that I am not the friend he needs, or that he might think I would take advantage of him, or his friendship. Also, his friend, who is trying to get us to 'date', which, in my opinion, is not going to happen... It annoys us both, to be honest.

I was watching Smallville tonight, and there was a scene where one person gave his girlfriend a surprise picknick... I saw that, and thought, I wish I had a sweet guy like that, I wish I had a guy who would sweep me off my feet, do unexpected sweet, silly things for me, and let me know that I was the only one for them...

But, after these past weeks.... I feel like I am not even worth it, nor willing to try..

I should... but i am too scared and damaged to even want to. I am 30 years old, barely, and I want to give up. On life, love and everything else...

I just hope that one day, I will find a guy...