Tuesday, October 23, 2012

New beginnings, or so I hope

So, I met him yesterday.. He looked just like I expected, only better..He was so attentive, and careing. We kept our distance, tried to play it as friends, and I was asked once, but I said we where just friends. Just so to not start an all out war.. But, I gave in, and for now, he seems right, I hope he stays that way, he is so sweet, and innocent, I dare not to soil or damage him, but I might, and I don't wan't to...

It's been a few days now, since I first met him, and he still is so sweet, but he reminds me of my ex boyfriends.. I try to look at him different, I mean he is, but still... I think I still need some time, thankfully he's willing to wait, and just that makes him different.

I think I really have to get used to a guy like him...

but I am willing to give it a shot!

I mean, if a messed up girl like me can find a guy who loves her, after all this.., then one day, maybe.. I will have my dream..

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

So, I went to work today. It was all fun and giggles, but I needed to keep busy. So I decided, that, since we had everything prepared and set up, I would just clean. My chef thought it was a good day to switch around the kitchen, so I was asked to clean certain things, which I did, and I even cleaned more, because it annoyed me.

I got some praise for it, but I was like, well, I do work here and it's my job aswell to keep this place clean, so I just shrugged it off.

I had a good day today. Apart from the me not sleeping much, still... I don't know where it comes from.
Maybe I am scared to sleep, because my brain tells me things in my dreams, and I don't want to see it yet.

I still hurt, but my friend makes it bearable. he actually called me tonight, because he missed my voice, and said that he was sad to miss me for almost 2 days.

He is a sweet kid. But a kid, nonetheless. I have no idea what to do about it, yet. Maybe this weekend will provide some answers,,,

So, work early tomorrow, and a long day ahead, and still not asleep.. and school the day after....


How the hell am I going to do all this???

I seriously don't know anymore, apart from just doing it just as it is and taking one second at a time, because that is how it feels... I can hardly tell time any more.. it's moment to moment...

And I still hurt, for the so manieth time..

Will I ever grow out of this?? And if so, when......??

Friday, October 12, 2012


So, I have been thinking. Alot actually. About alot of things, And I don't know anymore. I am lost and amazed that I would fall for the same thing again, even when I thought I had outgrown it all. But I guess not.. I got hurt, bad.. I lost someone I thought was the love of my life, and everyone keeps re-assuring me that I will find a new guy, a guy that is worth it. But I am done.

 I don't want to feel all that anymore. And then there pipes up a person, who is even younger, even more less compatible, and even less of a actuall boyfriend, who spends the majority of his free time talking to me, helping me, trying to convince me that everything is going to be allright.

And next week, I am going to meet him, and his friends for the first time. I am even going to sleep over at his place.. But i am scared, scared that I am not the friend he needs, or that he might think I would take advantage of him, or his friendship. Also, his friend, who is trying to get us to 'date', which, in my opinion, is not going to happen... It annoys us both, to be honest.

I was watching Smallville tonight, and there was a scene where one person gave his girlfriend a surprise picknick... I saw that, and thought, I wish I had a sweet guy like that, I wish I had a guy who would sweep me off my feet, do unexpected sweet, silly things for me, and let me know that I was the only one for them...

But, after these past weeks.... I feel like I am not even worth it, nor willing to try..

I should... but i am too scared and damaged to even want to. I am 30 years old, barely, and I want to give up. On life, love and everything else...

I just hope that one day, I will find a guy...

Halfway through.. some upsides, some downsides

Ok so, yesterday I had school.. No sleep, well, hardly any.. overslept for school... Still not registered, so I still couldn't do anything. And today, I A) got my ass handed to me, because I did have a bit much too drink on Wednsday, B) because they felt that I was not in it as much as I said i was. So, I get more hours, so I can be controlled more, and also,I will probably get my ass handed to me a second time this week from my counsellors...

On a plus side, I have the weekend off, this week and next week. So next week I am going to meet up with some guildies, for the first time, and I feel really exicited about it, because in the past week, I have gotten to know them, and they have really been supportive and helpfull.

I still don't know how to deal with the break-up, because it  still hurts me to have been shoved aside so crudely..

Sunday, October 7, 2012

So, here I am..... I don't really know how it got this way, but it did. A week ago, I was a almost happy, lucky, standing by my man, who was dealing with his father passing. His family loved me to bits, and I was even on the darned obituary.. One week later, I am in shambles, broken hearted, utter mess of a person, seriously considering hanging someone up in the highest tree I can find, and have the crows have their way with them.

How did it get this way, you might ask?

Oh well, it's pretty easy, actually.. his mother did not approve, and told him to choose. Between her and me, and he chose, obviously, her. So, for the umpthieth time, I have gotten a broken heart, and my trust is been crushed to a teeny tiny grain of sand.

I finally thought I had a good person, and that my life was going somewhere, but I guess, not. So i am, once again, left to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, and life, and just plough on through, and see where it goes. I am betting nowhere, though..