back.. sorta..

Well, here i go again. Went to a party yesterday and... Wonders of wonder, made a complete ass of myself,.. Again. I embaressed my boyfriend in front of all his friends, whom, by the way, none seem to like me that much, i sat on the street throwing up, only after i threw a hissy fit, because i wanted to smoke a joint, and to top it all off.. After we finally did manage to get my drunken ass home, i wanted some sexytime.. Which backfired as it always does, because i am a stupid cunt and cant do nothing right.

So. Here i sit, at half past 9 in the morning, on my phone, and my boyfriend is happily snoring his dreams away. I have been yet again kicked out of the bed, which tends to happen all the time when he is sleeping next to me.. Real nice... And he wonders why i am cranky all the time... Maybe because of the lack of sleep..? Ya think..? I spend well over 4 hours in public transport each time i see him, and i have to sleep in a single bed with a guy almost triple my size, who also seems to forget me most times, because his raiding buddies are much more fun. He's even bought a lady who helped him a mount for 23k gold, and let me tell you, that is a lot of virtual money. He keeps on telling me he loves me and he doesn't want to be without me, but lately i am not feeling it. I just feel like i am there to scratch an itch for him, and for the rest, he is happy with his online friends.


I am feeling so very loved... Not.

I have these people on my ass, I thought they where just friends, but... NOOOO.. they just want to get into my panties..
I don't want that, I don't need that. I just wanna be left alone, and figure shit out for myself. But NO. I have to do this, that, and the other...
I can't, not anymore, i am too poof, too tired, too fed up and too pissed off.

Sometimes, I just wish I could die, but, I am too coward to do even that. So, *deep breath* and move on. Hurt and all.

And no-one cares, no-one sees, no-one cares to see.

I am beginning to seriously question my judgement of people. I mean, up till a few months ago, it was sound, my gut told me everything I needed to know, but after him, and his crap...not so much.

Maybe a few months off from the world would do me some good, if not, well, lesson learned, right?

I just don't know anymore.

lost.. and utterly confumbled..

Right, so. 3 months into the new year, and I feel like my life has completely fallen apart.

I lost my job, lost what I thought was the love of my life, and just overall everything is going like crap.

I wasn't feeling too well this last December, I really wanted to give up on everything, but I met up with my ex again, and he sorta made me feel like I could move on, forward and make something of myself.
So, at the beginning of the new year, I decided that I was going to give it my all, and do my best.

Sadly, it didn't work out that way. The job I had sucked, and I kept fighting with my boyfriend.

And last Friday, it just blew up in my face. He was being mean, and kinda kept ignoring me the day before, and he wouldn't say anything about it.

I just couldn't take it anymore, so I left the guild, and he just became even more spitefull. I never thought he could be that way. The first time he broke up with me was bad, but this was even worse, because he didn't even care to explain it to me. He just told me to lose his number and "to rot away in the crappy room I call home"

Nice, huh? I have been trying so hard to make something of myself, and it is so hard, and still I keep going, and he acts like I am not even trying. Like I like living like this.

But lesson learned again, I will not make these same mistakes again. I am not sure if I even want to continue with my job, and everything else seems like too much.


Maybe next month will be better.

Moving forward

So, a new month, and I hope a new beginning.

Well, sort of...

Because, last week I nearly broke my foot, so I have been home sick for the past week and a half.  But, He was so cute, because I told Him what happened, and he immediately got on a train and made the 2,5 hour journey to be with me. He stayed for 5 days, and we had a great time.

My ex would have not done that.

I was a bit hesitant, because he had a bad experience with his first time, and he just told me he wanted me, and I was like, are you sure? He was, and eventhough it didn't go quite as planned, I am willing to be patient, and work with him, so he can learn..

It's because he is so young... I don't want to damage him too much, or something.. I just want him to be happy, and in turn he will make me happy.

I hope he can come over soon, again... because I miss him, I miss his cuddles.. and I wanna teach him more :)

New beginnings, or so I hope

So, I met him yesterday.. He looked just like I expected, only better..He was so attentive, and careing. We kept our distance, tried to play it as friends, and I was asked once, but I said we where just friends. Just so to not start an all out war.. But, I gave in, and for now, he seems right, I hope he stays that way, he is so sweet, and innocent, I dare not to soil or damage him, but I might, and I don't wan't to...


It's been a few days now, since I first met him, and he still is so sweet, but he reminds me of my ex boyfriends.. I try to look at him different, I mean he is, but still... I think I still need some time, thankfully he's willing to wait, and just that makes him different.

I think I really have to get used to a guy like him...

but I am willing to give it a shot!

I mean, if a messed up girl like me can find a guy who loves her, after all this.., then one day, maybe.. I will have my dream..

So, I went to work today. It was all fun and giggles, but I needed to keep busy. So I decided, that, since we had everything prepared and set up, I would just clean. My chef thought it was a good day to switch around the kitchen, so I was asked to clean certain things, which I did, and I even cleaned more, because it annoyed me.

I got some praise for it, but I was like, well, I do work here and it's my job aswell to keep this place clean, so I just shrugged it off.

I had a good day today. Apart from the me not sleeping much, still... I don't know where it comes from.
Maybe I am scared to sleep, because my brain tells me things in my dreams, and I don't want to see it yet.

I still hurt, but my friend makes it bearable. he actually called me tonight, because he missed my voice, and said that he was sad to miss me for almost 2 days.

He is a sweet kid. But a kid, nonetheless. I have no idea what to do about it, yet. Maybe this weekend will provide some answers,,,

So, work early tomorrow, and a long day ahead, and still not asleep.. and school the day after....

Great...


How the hell am I going to do all this???


I seriously don't know anymore, apart from just doing it just as it is and taking one second at a time, because that is how it feels... I can hardly tell time any more.. it's moment to moment...

And I still hurt, for the so manieth time..

Will I ever grow out of this?? And if so, when......??

Thinking....

So, I have been thinking. Alot actually. About alot of things, And I don't know anymore. I am lost and amazed that I would fall for the same thing again, even when I thought I had outgrown it all. But I guess not.. I got hurt, bad.. I lost someone I thought was the love of my life, and everyone keeps re-assuring me that I will find a new guy, a guy that is worth it. But I am done.

 I don't want to feel all that anymore. And then there pipes up a person, who is even younger, even more less compatible, and even less of a actuall boyfriend, who spends the majority of his free time talking to me, helping me, trying to convince me that everything is going to be allright.

And next week, I am going to meet him, and his friends for the first time. I am even going to sleep over at his place.. But i am scared, scared that I am not the friend he needs, or that he might think I would take advantage of him, or his friendship. Also, his friend, who is trying to get us to 'date', which, in my opinion, is not going to happen... It annoys us both, to be honest.

I was watching Smallville tonight, and there was a scene where one person gave his girlfriend a surprise picknick... I saw that, and thought, I wish I had a sweet guy like that, I wish I had a guy who would sweep me off my feet, do unexpected sweet, silly things for me, and let me know that I was the only one for them...

But, after these past weeks.... I feel like I am not even worth it, nor willing to try..

I should... but i am too scared and damaged to even want to. I am 30 years old, barely, and I want to give up. On life, love and everything else...

I just hope that one day, I will find a guy...